Tuesday, 2004-08-24, 10:19:36 pm, @home

Still, there're two situations which totally fuck my brain. Sometimes I even dunno how to sleep, how to eat, how to get up or even breath. I feel so beaten, so down and so completely mistreated. Yesterday, I had my first meal since last Wednesday. Did not really feel well after that one. I barely eat, I nearly don't drink.

I don't know myself like that. If I leave my body and take a look at me, if I see myself like all others do see me, if I analyze those situations in an objective way, I can just shake my head. Again and again and again.

I've got real good friends who always try to make me smile, give me perspectives and hook me up. I love 'em all, but they can hardly compensate what I feel.

Why am I doing all this? Is it because I need that kind of emotional pain? Do I feel guilty for something I couldn't have abandoned in any way and now abviously feel better by getting punished? What the fuckin' hell is going on in my life?

I'm sitting here, not wasted by now but wounded anyhow. I am waiting for something that won't happen (situation #1) and something else, that will definitely happen (situation #2).

Is it because I try to compensate the pain caused by situation #2 by being treated unfair by situation #1?!

A (at the moment, and I hope it lasts) very good friend of mine told me a couple of days ago, I won't be able to focus on me and my life again until situation #2 is over and the time has healed the pain. As long as I think about it, I conclude, that it's as cruel as it's the truth. In the meantime, I should take care of me, some of my friends are really concerned about me. But I most of the time keep smiling and my head up high.

Time flies by...