|Tuesday, 2004-08-24, 10:19:36 pm, @home
Still, there're two situations which
totally fuck my brain. Sometimes I even dunno how
to sleep, how to eat, how to get up or even
breath. I feel so beaten, so down and so
completely mistreated. Yesterday, I had my first
meal since last Wednesday. Did not really feel
well after that one. I barely eat, I nearly don't
I don't know myself like that. If I leave my body
and take a look at me, if I see myself like all
others do see me, if I analyze those situations
in an objective way, I can just shake my head.
Again and again and again.
I've got real good friends who always try to make
me smile, give me perspectives and hook me up. I
love 'em all, but they can hardly compensate what
Why am I doing all this? Is it because I need
that kind of emotional pain? Do I feel guilty for
something I couldn't have abandoned in any way
and now abviously feel better by getting
punished? What the fuckin' hell is going on in my
I'm sitting here, not wasted by now but wounded
anyhow. I am waiting for something that won't
happen (situation #1) and something else, that
will definitely happen (situation #2).
Is it because I try to compensate the pain caused
by situation #2 by being treated unfair by
A (at the moment, and I hope it lasts) very good
friend of mine told me a couple of days ago, I
won't be able to focus on me and my life again
until situation #2 is over and the time has
healed the pain. As long as I think about it, I
conclude, that it's as cruel as it's the truth.
In the meantime, I should take care of me, some
of my friends are really concerned about me. But
I most of the time keep smiling and my head up
Time flies by...